Can a girl just have Jesus?

Inhaling the winter warmth today, the rain falls upon freshly dropped snow and its slushy, slippy and messy.
Its like my spiritual life right now.  This new blog was to be raw and honest about my walk with Christ and I feel as though its starting off in a dark dark place.
Since just before Christmas my relationship with God has gotten into a dark dark place.
The things I have read into, read too much into, read not enough into has been awful.

Note it is okay to question things.  I think questioning is good.  But it has to be healthy. Which is why I blog it because I'm at a place I think that for the first time this isn't just some "fall crisis" this is a "this is too much"
I feel as though my faith is not gone, but somehow been twisted into something I have no idea what is anymore.

Can a girl just have Jesus?
I feel as though my beautiful resting in His peace has slipped into a place it should not be.

Where I have read and read and read about many different approaches to Jesus...

Where I have read and read and read about different ways to approach the Bible...

Where I have read and read and read about different groups of Christians attacking other groups of Christians.

I dont want to keep calling out to God when He says He is within me.  Why do I feel like He is so distant when He is inside me?

I am His temple.

I feel as though Christ has skipped town.

All this peace He promised, His peace He left behind.  I never feel it for more than a while then I fall back into anger and hatred. I watch more people who claim Christ be not filled with peace... what's the deal with us?

Do I need to really have a feeling He is here?  Have I left it all on emotion

The other night during worship, after a day of listening to thinks um..not so Christian... I had an experience. Where I lost control of my body.  My hands cramped and I had a tingling sensation over my face and it felt like something crawling on my nose.  I was like paralised in my seat.  No one else around me experienced this.  Just me.  I kept singing to Jesus.  I thought maybe it was something supernatural... but the more I think about it, why would God take over a person's body like that where I had no control.  Gods power is loving.  This wasn't loving.  This was strange.  This isn't some collected pentecost moment... this was chaos in my body.   I didn't feel peace.  Could have been anything, but God?  Could have been just some physical exhausted mom thing too...

But I just feel like why am I searching for what I already am said to have?
He is supposed to be closer than my own skin.
Does Jesus even promise that?  Not Paul, Jesus.  I'm at a point where I don't want to hear anyone else's voice but His.
I haven't been reading nearly enough Scripture, because I'm not even sure weather to take it literal anymore.

I'm in a bad place.  I feel like I'm in a very bad place.

I just want Jesus.

All I want is Jesus.

And I feel good when I inhale this somewhat spring air, as to me it smells like hope...

I will come out the other end...but what does it look like?

Presence

Sitting still.  Swaying slow.
Lord, its You I focus on.
Spirit within
Start to sing. 
Singing to Jesus.
He can hear every breath.
Holy Spirit stirs
Numbness
Stillness
His presence
In awe and wonder
Spirit spilling out through every pore.
Jesus
My Jesus
You are here.

Do I ever feel like I try to hard to fit?



yes


I literally feel as though a few weeks ago I forgot every "Christian" thing I have learned over the past eight years of my walk.  I'm having to re understand everything again.

But I don't sit in darkness........ its like Jesus and I just came to stop on the side of the road.  We are still here.  Laying in the dew of morning on the grass but in the heat of the day.  Its been interesting.  I'm not sure what to think of where I'm at right now.. but I have to be okay with it.

I haven't used words to pray.

I have come to be still... this is where I need to be.
Its like God has stuck glue on my feet.  But for what reasons?  In the wilderness?  You bet.

I have only to fit into His Love.

And I have to truly be okay with this.
I have to be okay that I don't experience Him like others.
I have to be okay with the fact that I don't see eye to eye with what I'm reading from others.  That's their journey...
It has to not matter how I experience His presence.. even if there will be judgement from others.

Did you know, that my face shakes when I feel something powerfully spiritual?
Did you know that I can literally feel my breath swirling out of my mouth when I worship?
Did you know that when I inhale the forest air all I can mouth is "thankyou."

And I am unique perhaps.

But I am Gods.

And He owes me no answers now.  Nor do I owe anyone else an explaination for that which I experience.  But truth be told I feel as though I do.  But I can't give explanaitions for that which I dont fully understand..

When I have tried for eight years to fit into moulds of others experiences with God I have done nothing but fall short.  Because I truly don't believe right now that Jesus came to set a new religion therefore making us all the same, but to shake us free from it all, to rest in His love and to let that spill out onto everyone we come in contact with. But I have over and over again, daily tried to make it all "work" into a certain mould. The one thing I always say I hate so much is the one thing I do so much.

But understanding this is part of the process... This is where I'm at right now,  and that is okay.  And it might change.  It might not.  And that's okay too.

I am relearning Jesus...

The aim of my new blog is to never prove a point.
Because its the last thing I think my life needs right now itself.
I have always said "embrace your journey with God" and this is no different.  Each journey with God is divine, filled with Light.

The past few weeks a lot has happened and I feel as though Gods Spirit picked me up on the side of a stressful road but then dropped me off into the middle of nowhere.
Standing in this place there is One familiarity but a lot of change.  I don't know where it comes from and why now.

Its everything turned upside down. Not terrifying, but gentle and a bit uncomfortable.
Standing just a toe in the water a ripple effect of questions.  Answers will come slow.

When the way you have always looked at the Way changes even just so slightly, it is like a pause, then a bursts out to show you something amazing out of something that for a moment makes absolutely no sense.

No book, no routine can help me with this one.  Its gotta be within, there needs to be healing and their needs to be peace.

It will come most slow.

And I cant explain it to you even if I tried... so try not to ask ;)

2013 is looking mighty different than before.

This blog will be for the mysterious in my head.  For the things that scream for me to let them out but I generally do not reveal.  For those things in life that make me laugh and stand in awe of our Creator and say "yes".

No fear of what people will think
No fear of what people will say.
This is me.
My journey continuing.