Do I ever feel like I try to hard to fit?



yes


I literally feel as though a few weeks ago I forgot every "Christian" thing I have learned over the past eight years of my walk.  I'm having to re understand everything again.

But I don't sit in darkness........ its like Jesus and I just came to stop on the side of the road.  We are still here.  Laying in the dew of morning on the grass but in the heat of the day.  Its been interesting.  I'm not sure what to think of where I'm at right now.. but I have to be okay with it.

I haven't used words to pray.

I have come to be still... this is where I need to be.
Its like God has stuck glue on my feet.  But for what reasons?  In the wilderness?  You bet.

I have only to fit into His Love.

And I have to truly be okay with this.
I have to be okay that I don't experience Him like others.
I have to be okay with the fact that I don't see eye to eye with what I'm reading from others.  That's their journey...
It has to not matter how I experience His presence.. even if there will be judgement from others.

Did you know, that my face shakes when I feel something powerfully spiritual?
Did you know that I can literally feel my breath swirling out of my mouth when I worship?
Did you know that when I inhale the forest air all I can mouth is "thankyou."

And I am unique perhaps.

But I am Gods.

And He owes me no answers now.  Nor do I owe anyone else an explaination for that which I experience.  But truth be told I feel as though I do.  But I can't give explanaitions for that which I dont fully understand..

When I have tried for eight years to fit into moulds of others experiences with God I have done nothing but fall short.  Because I truly don't believe right now that Jesus came to set a new religion therefore making us all the same, but to shake us free from it all, to rest in His love and to let that spill out onto everyone we come in contact with. But I have over and over again, daily tried to make it all "work" into a certain mould. The one thing I always say I hate so much is the one thing I do so much.

But understanding this is part of the process... This is where I'm at right now,  and that is okay.  And it might change.  It might not.  And that's okay too.

I am relearning Jesus...